Not too long ago, a group of us 356 aficionados attended a performance of Cole Porter's
1934 Broadway musical Anything Goes. One of the many hit tunes from that show
is "You're the Top!", in which two characters sing each other's praises by each comparing
the other to all manner of the good things in life. (If you don't know the song, check
out Ella Fitzgerald's recording of it in the embedded YouTube video.)
The song's clever lyrics and
intricate rhyme scheme have made it a fan favorite for over eighty years, and at the height
of its popularity many people amused themselves by making up "parody lyrics" for it.
That sounded like fun to me, and the question arose soon enough: What if these
characters had been 356 nuts? Maybe they would have sung something like this...
You're the Top!
music by Cole Porter, new lyrics by Jim Hinde
You’re the top!
You’re a bathtub Porsche.
You’re the top!
All the world adores ya.
You’re the whirring din from that engine in the rear.
You’re a midlife crisis,
You’re Speedster prices,
You’re oversteer!
Du bist schnell,
One might say in German,
Fast as hell,
Thanks to Doktor Fuhrmann.
I’m a rusty sieve that will never leave the shop,
But if baby I’m the bottom you’re the top!
You’re the grunt
Of a flat four engine.
You’re a front
Torsion bar suspension.
You are boredom’s cure, driving in its purest form.
You’re a tire that’s wider,
You’re James Dean’s Spyder,
A perfect storm!
You are fab,
Not to mention charmin’.
You’re a Cab-
riolet by Karmann.
I’m the rotted floor of a number four jalop,
But if baby I’m the bottom you’re the top!
In the past,
I could not afford you.
Now, at last,
I can climb aboard you.
You’re my perfect ride to the other side of life.
Your curves are thrilling,
You’re fast and willing
—Don’t tell my wife!
You’re my fix
Of exhilaration.
You’re a six
Figure restoration.
I’m a dweeb, a nerd, yes, a bit absurd, a fop!
But if baby I’m the bottom you’re the top!